If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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