my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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