My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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