I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
