bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
