I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
