cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
