once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize