I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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