You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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