No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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