you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
