I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
