atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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