no, he came in my armpit
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
