I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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