i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my being single is dangerous.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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