Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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