My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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