The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
