The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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