it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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