why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
