I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
