i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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