Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
