Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize