I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My feet surprised me
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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