apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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