I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
