Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
