My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i think my mom watched the whole time
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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