Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
