Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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