A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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