I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
