I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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