i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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