You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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