wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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