You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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