I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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