why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
