i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
