Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
