Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
