Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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