Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
