he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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