Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
