dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
