So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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