I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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