mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
