the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
